Crapshoot: The Jack Sparrow game with an indescribably bad PC port

From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the dice to bring random obscure games back into the light. This week, you’d think it’s any port in a storm, but there’s only one to choose from—a rotten, maggot-infested port that find whole new dimensions of suck.

Forget the Dark Souls PC port. Darksiders 2 missing a few options? Pffft. Sure, at first glance that kind of thing may score high on the ol’ betrayal chart, but for me? No. For I have played The Legend of Jack Sparrow, one of the most half-arsed ports in the history of mainstream franchises.

Yes, it’s really that bad. Sit back and let’s see how a phenomenal concept ended up being the adventure that really put the “Yaaarh!” into “Yaaarh, I was just stabbed in the balls with a fork!”

Now, I loved the original Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and while the sequels dropped and picked up the ball more often than an apprentice juggler, even their worst moments weren’t enough to dampen the original greatness. A little high-seas action. Adventure. Funny dialogue. Imaginative escapades. The genius reversal of the concept—a ship of pirates trying to return stolen treasure. And of course, Jack Sparrow, who’s admittedly a complete cartoon after so many sequels, parodies, spin-offs and that god-awful fourth movie. When he debuted though, he was a breath of fresh air, a trickster mentor who stole the show from his very first scene to the moment he sailed off into the credits at the end.