American Horror Story monsters, ranked by sexiness

American Horror Story has always been sexy. The first season, Murder House, tackled the themes of infidelity by playing up lust and temptation, with couple Ben and Vivien Harmon cheating repeatedly on each other, and the faceless fetish suit-wearing specter wandering the halls. In subsequent seasons, the emphasis on carnality only got stronger: The show has included demons that manifest because of sex, people who die because of sex, beings that use sex to manipulate others, and, well, just a whole lot of sex in general. Sometimes it’s actually sexy; other times, it’s deliberately grotesque.

Based on the promotional material, the new season of AHS, premiering Aug. 25 on FX, doesn’t just rely on sexual material to make the human characters more interesting, but dares to ask: What if the monsters were getting hot and heavy with each other? The first full trailer for season 10, a two-part story subtitled Double Feature, is packed with aliens and creepy mer-creatures making out with each other. Of all the wild things AHS has thrown at us over the past 10 years, somehow it’s never reached this point. Sure, monsters and humans have bumped uglies before, but with season 10, creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk, along with their collaborators, are traveling to a whole new sector of pound town.

With monster hook-ups on the mind, it seems natural to consider the smoochability of the other creatures on American Horror Story. So it is time to rank the hottest supernatural creatures appearing in the series.

Just to be clear, I am only ranking the supernatural creatures in the American Horror Story franchise, not the plain ol’ serial killers, cult leaders, or other threats of a mundane and human nature. Here be monsters, spirits, demons, witches, and every other weird, wacky creature conjured up by Murphy and Falchuk’s imaginations.

[Ed. note: Some spoilers for seasons 1 through 9 of American Horror Story]

Disqualified: The Infantata

As seen in American Horror Story: Murder House

Image: FX

This creature lurks in the Murder House. Once a baby boy, it was given a second life after its brutal murder when unethical scientist Dr. Charles Montgomery (Matt Ross) sewed its dismembered limbs back together, adding a few extra pieces along the way. It is bloodthirsty and immortal — and it is also a literal child. Therefore I refuse to consider the Infantata as an option.

17. Any ghost of a real-life serial killer

As seen in American Horror Story: Coven, Hotel, and 1984

Image: FX

A lot of real-life serial killers appear in AHS, usually after they’ve died. Examples include Richard Ramirez (Anthony Ruivivar in Hotel and Zach Villa in 1984), Aileen Wuornos (Lily Rabe), and John Wayne Gacy (John Carroll Lynch). I do not get the people who are horny for serial killers. Just because they are ghosts does not make them sexy.

16. Addiction Demon

As seen in American Horror Story: Hotel

Image: FX

In the halls of the Hotel Cortez, a pale faceless demon with a giant drill-dildo wanders around. Much like the Mattress Man, its origins are unknown, but this fellow is way more self-assertive than the poor Mattress Man. The Addiction Demon (Alexander Ward) saunters through the hotel, looking for its next victims, a swagger in its step. In appearance, it’s basically Slender Man, if Slender Man walked around butt-ass naked with a giant drill attached to his groin. Yes, the Addiction Demon feeds off the pain of its victims, but at least it … leaves them alive? That’s something.

15. The Raspers

As seen in American Horror Story: Asylum

Image: FX

The Raspers are human beings horrifically altered by the unethical experiments of former Nazi scientist Dr. Arthur Arden (James Cromwell). They are amputated and injected with all manners of diseases in order to create humans that could survive nuclear fallout. Dr. Arden did not succeed in that aspect, but he did succeed in creating people that crave human flesh!

Not only is this concept inherently squicky, I also just feel bad for these poor humans, who were forcibly changed into monstrous creatures. I just want to end their suffering. They aren’t sexy, just deeply sad.

14. Any ghost that’s just a person

As seen in American Horror Story: Murder House … and actually most of the seasons at this point

Image: FX

This one seems like it deserves a separate category because fictional dead people are less ick than romanticized real criminals. But still, there isn’t much special allure in normal people who just happen to be dead. Sometimes they’re murderers, like bad boy Tate Langdon (Evan Peters) of Murder House, or the Butcher (Susan Berger) of Roanoke. But most of the time, they’re just people. Boring! The ghosts of American Horror Story are also so overused at this point, especially when they don’t have any interesting flavor to their backstories.

13. The Undead

As seen in American Horror Story: Coven

Image: FX

Not to be confused with ghosts, the Undead in AHS are corpses brought back to life, but with various complications. Some of the AHS zombies are rotting flesh monsters, raised to do the bidding of their summoners. Others are closer to their living counterparts than they used to be — just in a way that makes them unable to die again. It all depends on the intent of the spellcaster. That being said, while the rotting flesh monsters who only serve their master don’t seem conscious or self-aware enough to be consenting partners, zombie frat boy Kyle (Evan Peters) is a sweetheart who loves his powerful witch girlfriend, and he’s a certified hottie.

12. The Mattress Man

As seen in American Horror Story: Hotel

Image: FX

A ghoulish creature that was sewn into a mattress by a ghost, the Mattress Man (Alexander Ward) gets a leg up over the regular Undead because he has a creepier and more interesting debut — he literally claws his way out of the mattress he was sewed up in and left to die inside! Fun! However, we never find out why he becomes a ghoulish creature instead of just a ghost or something. (That’s true for many of the faceless, ghoulish AHS beings.) He’s a little rotted flesh-wise, but I feel like he just needs some love.

11. The Minotaur

As seen in American Horror Story: Coven

Image: FX

In life, the Minotaur (Ameer Bakera) was the fictional house slave of real-world serial killer Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) and the lover of Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett). Delphine tortured him after she caught him with her daughter (who forced herself on him), and that culminated in her sewing a bull’s head onto him before murdering him. When Marie raised him from the dead, something got messed up, he lost his humanity, and the bull fused with him. This guy gets a leg up over previous “Faceless Entities” because he has a clear — and romantically tragic! — origin story. And also killer abs. He gets points off because I do not want to invoke the wrath of Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau.

10. Rubber Man

As seen in American Horror Story: Murder House and American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Image: FX

Of all the faceless AHS creatures with dubious origins, Rubber Man is by far the sexiest. Is it because the design is a kink suit? Yes. The sex appeal of tight-fitting black latex has a lot to do with what’s so hot about it. Technically, the Rubber Man is just a sort of mantle passed down to budding serial killers and murderous ghosts, but the suit has taken on a life of its own, and there have been instances in further seasons (as well as the spinoff show American Horror Stories) where it seems to act of its own accord. Spooky! And sexy?

9. Edward Mordrake

As seen in American Horror Story: Freak Show

Image: FX

Based on a real-world urban legend, Edward Mordrake (Wes Bentley) is the ghost of a man with two faces. On Halloween night, he is drawn to performances, and will reap the soul of a carnival performer that both he and his second face agree is worthy. He’s separate from the other “Just a Ghost Who Happens to be a Murderer” murderers because he actually has a schtick.

I am a sucker for a dark, handsome gentleman in Victorian garb as much as the next girl who went through a steampunk phase in high school. That said, Edward Mordrake doesn’t really do much in Freak Show. He shows up once a year to take a soul, and admittedly he does it in a very theatrical way, with thunder and lightning and creepy smoke. However, while he brims with potential, he just appears, looks creepy, then leaves.

8. Micheal, the Antichrist

As seen in American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Image: FX

Michael Langdon (Cody Fern) is the surviving child of ghost Tate Langdon and human Vivien Harmon (Connie Britton). Born at the end of the show’s first season, he grows at an alarming rate (for lack of better comparison, think Bella and Edward’s child from Twilight: Breaking Dawn) so he can assume his destiny as the Antichrist and harbinger of the Apocalypse.

Michael is a very beautiful person with flowing locks of golden hair, but he also has a lot of personal growth to do. As a kid who grew up too quickly into a full-grown man, he routinely stumbles with childish tendencies and mommy issues. If I’m getting together with an evil being bent on world destruction, I want them to have somewhat of a vision and the control to back it up! He still gets points, though, because that hair is so gorgeous.

7. Aliens

As seen in American Horror Story: Asylum

Image: FX

This upcoming season of AHS is going to be all about the aliens (well, at least half of it), but we actually haven’t seen much of them, even in Asylum, where they were a huge plot element. That being said, the extraterrestrials are fan favorites because they’re creatures that haven’t reappeared throughout previous seasons, which gives them an extra layer of intrigue. The aliens seen in Asylum have tentacle-like things on their faces, but the ones in the preview for Double Feature don’t — so we’ll have to wait and see exactly what their whole deal is physically. My gut feeling is that season 10’s aliens have a whole aloof sexiness about them, even if we don’t know exactly what they look like. I must know more.

6. Witches/Voodooists/Warlocks

As seen in American Horror Story: Coven, American Horror Story: Hotel, American Horror Story: Roanoke, and American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Image: FX

Witches and voodooists made up a big part of Coven, with warlocks, the male counterpart to witches, appearing for the first time in Apocalypse. They are technically two different entities, but a lot of their powers overlap, and it’s theorized that the Salem witches were taught by a voodooist, so I am putting them together for simplicity’s sake.

This is one of those cases where I think I’m not sure if I want to date them so much as I want to be them. Witches really run the gamut in terms of power and morality, but as a whole, there’s something very attractive about their flowing-black-dress aesthetic.

5. The Afflicted

As seen in American Horror Story: Hotel

Image: FX

For whatever reason, Ryan Murphy refuses to call American Horror Story’s immortal bloodsuckers “vampires,” but they are basically vampires. And even though they have a dumb, pretentious name in the show, there is and has always been something inherently sexy about vampires. Every single adult “Afflicted” in AHS uses that innate hotness to full potential. Hell, the first time we meet the powerful, elegant Countess (Lady Gaga), she and her current boytoy lure an unsuspecting couple back to their place for a foursome (which ends as a bloodbath). I don’t know about you, but if I had to pick a way to go, being murdered by Lady Gaga and her hot boytoy in a foursome seems like a pretty epic end.

4. Satan, but when possessing Sister Mary Eunice

As seen in American Horror Story: Asylum

Image: FX

A demon possesses various people in AHS: Asylum, eventually latching onto a young, vulnerable nun and using her to commit various atrocities. It is also revealed that this demon isn’t just any demon, he’s Satan himself. It’s a compelling juxtaposition between the sweet, naïve Mary Eunice and the conniving, evil person she becomes when she’s possessed. Actress Lily Rabe does a masterful job of switching between those two facets of the character. And of course, because this is American Horror Story, one of the clear differences is that the possessed Mary Eunice plays up her sexuality. A few points off here because, while I love a demon, I feel bad for poor Mary Eunice, who is trapped in her own body.

3 . Scáthach, the Original Supreme

As seen in American Horror Story: Roanoke

Image: FX

Scáthach is not just a witch — she’s the original Supreme, aka the most powerful witch of a generation, and she’s immortal. This bad bitch — played by Lady Gaga in the in-universe reenactment, My Roanoke Nightmare, and an unidentified stunt double in the “real” world — wants one thing: to get down and dirty with the people who pique her interest. And hey, if you were wandering the woods for 600 years, wouldn’t you just want to have your own Hot Immortal Witch Summer with whoever stumbled onto your property? I respect it! Sure, she binds their souls to her, turning their devotion into a burning obsession, but that’s just a girlboss winning! I would gladly serve her for all eternity.

2. Papa Legba

As seen in American Horror Story: Coven and American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Image: FX

The Gatekeeper of the Spirit World, Papa Legba (Lance Reddick) collects souls for the Underworld — and he particularly enjoys exploiting the sinful in order to reap their souls, often concocting devilish deals to do so. Get what you want from Papa Legba, and you’ll be in debt to him for your life; fail to deliver, and he gets to torture your soul for all eternity for your wickedness.

Even though his ultimate goal is to claim souls, he’s pretty damn fair, honest, and upfront about what the people who call upon him are getting themselves into. Hey, it’s not his fault that some people are so totally driven by their vanity or greed that they ignore his warnings. Although his whole thing is killing people, he does have some sense of morality. For instance, when Marie Laveau and Supreme witch Fiona Goode kill innocent Nan without any second thoughts, he takes Nan under his wing, and she becomes his favorite companion — then refuses to make a deal with Fiona because she’s so evil that she doesn’t have a soul for him to reap.

Also, his whole look is just on point. If I am going to rule the Underworld for the rest of time with someone, they better have a commitment to their aesthetic, and Papa Legba most certainly does.

1. Angel of Death

As seen in American Horror Story: Asylum

Image: FX

My queen. My angel. My vision in black. I am a sucker for representations of Death and darkness that aren’t overwhelmingly morbid and dire, and instead represent a natural foil to life. The Angel of Death (Frances Conroy) walks around softly yet regally, clad in black 1940s style jacket and pencil skirt combo, complete with a little veil covering her face. She is gentle, yet stern; powerful, yet restrained. I would like to follow her across the world and help her do her job, asking for little in return except for an approving nod every so often.

She comes to people who are dying, and if it is indeed their time, she bestows upon them a soft kiss. Then, her gorgeous black wings unfurl from behind her and she takes their souls to the afterlife. If it is not their time, she gives them a comforting word. I love her.

American Horror Story is available to stream on Netflix and Hulu. The newest season premieres on Aug. 25 on FX at 10 p.m. EST, with episodes streaming the next day on Hulu.

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